Not goodbye

Monday, June 30, 2014

From: Kris (from a different Yahoo email)

To: Sassy

Sent: Monday, June 30, 2014 10:48 AM

Subject: use this email for now

Hi Sassy,

My wife sent me an extremely long text message this morning (verbosity must run in the family--except when having sex...).  As a result of my conversation with my daughter my wife wants to meet with me and the pastor so I can "tell her everything."  That doesn't mean she wants to work things out.  She may just want to know for sure what to hold against me.  But I highly doubt it.  Her extremely long text message this morning vented a ton of negative stuff.  Most of it was highly distorted and extreme.  But the simple fact that she did that means she's talking to me again.  The fact that she's doing that this soon is actually a sign of being open to working things out.  I ignore most of the extreme and negative content as just an expression of her anger and hurt and don't respond to it.

I'm highly conflicted and don't know what to do.  I want my cake and eat it too--but that's not likely to happen in every way I might want it to.  So I have some hard decisions to make.  Strangely, I'm not in a hurry to make them.  I emailed the pastor's administrative assistant this morning telling her to set up two appointments.  The first one I want to meet alone with him.  The second one with my wife.  I told her I want to meet on Fridays, but not until beginning July 11.  So the earliest I will probably meet together with him and my wife is July 18 (or the week of that Monday).

This email address is probably safe...especially now that my son has "outed" me to their mother.  (I also learned that my oldest daughter doesn't know anything about this--at least the others had the decency to exclude her--for now.)  I can't see my son continuing to "track me"--now that they've accomplished their goal and I've agreed to meet with someone and "fess up."  How truthful I'll really be remains to be seen.  And what I need to do beyond that also. You know what I mean and it sucks.

You're one of the nicest people I've ever met.  This may not seem like the most important thing right now--but you have dramatically changed the way I see all people now.  Because of how mean people have been to you (and your husband) because of your weight---and because of how sweet and nice you are to all people--I cannot "pre-judge" people the way I used to.  All of us "prejudge" people based on appearance.  If I dress up the way I did when I had lunch with you and your mom--people will judge me one way.  If I'm on my bike in full-leather--they'll judge me another way.  But I'm the same person.  But that's not how people judge.  Because of you, I am going to be very slow to judge anyone by how they look---dress, weight, "beauty"---or any other superficial presentation.  

This is not goodbye yet---but we can both "smell it in the air"---and it's a sad and rotten smell.   If I have to say goodbye it will not be through silence--it will not be in an email.  It will be in person.  I don't know 100% yet but I think we both can feel it coming.  In the meantime this is a safe email to write to me through.  I may still create a Gmail account so we can chat.  Don't want to be limited to emailing.

Yesterday was a wonderful day (except for my lackluster sex performance)---until the phone call from my daughter.  I'm sorry you got home late.  I hope you're not too tired today.

I am crying now so I have to stop.  You will see me again.

Kris

=====

From: Sassy

To: Kris (at the different Yahoo email)

Sent: Monday, June 30, 2014 9:30 PM

Re: use this email for now

Hiya hot stuff, 

Thank you for this sweet message!  My phone logged me off of Yahoo, so I didn't see it until just now!  I was worrying at your silence, but know you have lots to think about, things to do. I was very pleased to see it was me and not you.  Plus I just enjoy your words! 

Please be diligent deleting incoming mail and sent mail and trash, and changing your password frequently.  You can turn off the chat history feature, so we could use it and there wouldn't be a record kept.  Remind me to show you how if you don't find it easily.  

Click on messenger > available > messenger settings> scroll down to Conversation History and unclick box next to 

"Keep a history of my conversations"

I am also noticing that Yahoo messenger lets you text, so you could do that without a record. 

Wow!  Your daughter worked fast!  So glad your wife is texting!  That's a great sign!  Hard for you to hear her venting, but at least the door is open and you know more.  It may be good to take your time and let her calm down.  

I'm so glad I've changed how you see people.  You have done the same for me.  As well as changing how I see myself.  I hope I have given you new confidence.  

I missed you today something fierce... that same "see him every day then stop" effect.  The memories of Lake W will make me smile for a long time! I got 6 hrs of sleep which is fine.  I had a lovely lunch with my sister and the attendant from my wedding.  They mostly talked and I ate fancy Italian food on their dime.  

I am in denial about you going away.  I will deal with it when I have to.  Please don't cry where I can't hold you!  But it's good you can cry if you need to... it will work out.  You will be fine again, whatever happens. 

I have small hopes that I can make it easier to communicate with less risk, and we can be more careful and moderate in our meets.  Or we can be online only... I don't want you to have no one to talk with.  I can teach you to use the chat.  We could have a private chat room. It is completely untraceable if you browse incognito.  

I have a 5-day weekend coming up - off work Friday, Monday and Tuesday and would be happy to play with you if you have time.  You are welcome here for a cheap and easy option - exercise, relax, whatever, or we can adventure.  If you'd rather not, I understand.  

Hugs with groping! 

-S